Tuesday, November 02, 2004

nothing but a stone

You drown me in your pond, but I am nothing but a stone
Like everyone else, I sink in your infinite illusion
Your ignorence of my existance, should be a warning alone
But I am waiting for an impossible conclusion

I lay here on the bottom, surrounded by my kind
I'm waiting for your wave to carry me to shore
But as you slip away, and I let go of you in my mind
You return, and haunt me further more


Monday, October 04, 2004

Eager to please...

Come and get your "Eager to please"
It will be tamed, it will not tease.
It will forget, it will not bite,
Your company to it, will be a delight.

Kick it as it goes, wagging its tail
watch it get up, all smilie again
It's eager to please, it just cannot feel
it forgot all about what is fake and whats real

But Implanted in Eager are seeds of dismay
they are small and puny but will grow big someday
and it will remember the time it was kicked to the ground
and it will get up once, and never fall down

So come get your "Eager to please" today
It will last for a while, for a year and a day
It will slowly fall apart, on its inner most scale
But you will never know, till its no longer there.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

goodbye

Sometimes life likes to kick you, and then you have to ask why, but there aren't really any answers. No one is there to give you a guide book to life, and tell you what to do and what not to do, I guess mistakes is just what i'm good at.

I guess its time for me to give up. To give up what I stand for, and give up what I like, and everything I believe, and everything I ever wanted to do and everything I loved doing. My dreams are shattered, my hopes are lost, there is really nothing waiting for me. There is no point in being unique, there is nothing good that will ever come out from trying something new, and being different. It only leads to being shunned away, we're just not really free like that.

So i'll conform to you people. I'll play the right role, and i'll dumb up and pretend I care about and enjoy your mundane college routine. I'll pretend I like to be stupid and not care about the art and world that surrounds me. I'll pretend that jazz music doesn't move me. I'll pretend that a pencil and sketch book doesn't make my worries go away. I'll pretend that finding culture was never a goal, and I'll dream of those things, as far and distant worlds I cannot attain. I'll pretend that friday nights around a keg are my dream come true, and I'll dance to your awful beats while I close my eyes and dream of the soft melody of a saxophone, and pray in my heart, that someday, I will find where I belong. And that world will give me what I am looking for, and embrace me, and my love for the kind of life I cannot lead.

So this is my goodbye to you my dreams. This is my farewall to everything about myself I like yet cannot be. I will lock you away in my heart, only to peek in every so often, and count the minutes and days, until you are free again.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Tired of em all

I'm going to keep it short simply because I am starving and its about time that I go and get myself some sort of food. However I just had to bring it up because I am tired. I'm tired of people and their ways of selfishness.

Last night my friends and I were all hanging out, and in the middle they all decided to get up and leave because we were too boring, and they left for the fraterneties, which was the only place I didn't want to go to.

Now I am fully aware that my friends would all trade me for a beer and some good time, but its never been so in my face, so blunt and obvious. The most painful part is that my best friend, chose to be "social" with people he doesn't know, rather than hang out with me several times already. I guess that says alot about how good of a friend he acctually was.

I'm tired of trusting people
I'm tired of believing people care.
I'm tired of becoming close to people, only to be traded for a shoe and a stick.
I'm tired of people.

I guess I'll be alone, what else do I have left?


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

just a day...

So yeah, my computer has been going insane latly.. I really hope that i'm not going to have to reformat it, I've never done it myself too well nor do I have alot of the software I need.
Its kind of a shame that I really can't handle a computer breakdown like that. I probably should be able to do it, being a freakin computer science major.
so yeah... i decided to link to some songs, I figured that unless I do it, no one will hear em, and then I really won't get anywhere... so here's a couple. let me know what you all think, if you have an opinion that is :)

After getting some good response, here's a link to em all :)

Thanks for all the nice comments in chat <3 love you all!!

Friday, July 30, 2004

Proving myself all over

So I'm determined to keep this relatively updated just in case someone will read this...

Today I realized that I will forever have to prove myself as worthy of what I have been given where as other people will never even have to try. Its always been hard being a woman in computer science in school and I was hoping that once I'm out working in the real world I won't have to deal with stupid people who will get more credit than me because they have some advantage over me that has nothing to do with our acctual level of contribution to the world, but boy was I wrong.

The other intern today, who I must say is the nicest guy ever, but is dumber than a brick, was offered to come back next summer and a traveling internship which is MY dream job... I have to admit that yes I am jealous especially since I have done about 5 times more work than him this summer, and he quite frankly could care less about what he does or does not get accomplished. He will always have an advantage over me in the eyes of the company, he has been there 4 times already going on 5th, his ENTIRE family is working somewhere in the company, and he has gotten the job through a program for African American students that ALLOCATES a certain amount of positions for their members within our company each year because i guess secretly we have a minority quota to meet... I just wish we stopped trying to fight racism by being racist.. if he deserved the job he should have gotten it just like me but would he? i'm not sure. I just know that right now I am doing a project which I was supposed to do with him and he did nothing for it, yet he gets the traveling position.

Mom always told me that i'll have to fight all my life for my place, but I was hoping she meant a shorter period of time than a lifetime...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Take, Shake and Break me.

There comes a time in one’s life where nothing makes sense but self destruction because what’s real becomes fake and what’s fake becomes real, when joy turns into sorrow and sorrows add on. There comes a time when pain is all that’s real and you hold on to it by your teeth, because after that’s over, you have nothing.


Well I’ve reached that point, perhaps too soon, in my life where nothing makes sense and all I can do is break all that’s around me, hoping to rebuild myself after this, praying for the sunrise after the sunset, for the gasp of air after lack of breath, for the light after the dark. I’ve been broken down to my core now, I’m no longer in one piece, and I’m everywhere in everything yet never together, detached from anything I know, attached to nothing, floating to nowhere. I’ve lost myself because I couldn’t keep track of where I was. Who I was, became a word or two, something someone else would say, but it didn’t have me in there, because I was numb, I had nothing, just breathing in and out, overwhelmed by life and its power over me, its power to take me, shake me and break me down.

It’s stripping me to the core, like old wires, naked, struggling to withstand time, I throw the towel in, I can’t find what a way out, the current of life is too strong for me, who am I to fight it? Who am I to tell it where to go?

How did I loose myself, how did I forget who I am and who I wanted to be? How did I let everyday bite more off my soul? and now I am left with this nothing. Overwhelmed not by life anymore but by the lack of it in my heart, by this emptiness, by my ability to take everything and turn it into nothing, throwing my life off a plane without a parachute and jumping right off with an umbrella with broken spikes. How do I fly now? Or better yet, how do I land?

I am here, bare and full of nothing, trying to find where I belong and someday I will, there is nothing left to take, shake and break, I’m as broken as I could be.